A little drop from my eye…

… it has been long now that I have stood in the role I cherished so far. I realise that I might not be one destined for such a role.

Life is a journey …. from a little town to another country, today I have conquered the oceans. As a career woman I might be on my success route yet a sigh of dissatisfaction gets hold of my breath. As a human being, I feel that I have failed. I have always feared the future but thought best to accept to live with no regrets. Regrets of small things that crop up in the journey…yet today I feel like a regret to even be here or of being who I am.

Yes, somehow, I did not choose and things unfolded in front of me in such a way like a puzzle being winded into an art work, the product of my prayers and Hope I guess. Yet, I feel, that I am messing up or messed up everything in it.

Marriage is an entity in itself. I would say, a world in itself where I have lost myself to a ‘me’ whom I do not recognize. I have been taken to various decisions and deadlines which has modeled me into the woman I am today. I do keep peeping in my past, trying to collect bits and pieces of that embellished woman….however, I see myself falling into the same waters again and again. The problem is not the water, but the fall in itself.

I do ask myself why is the grass greener in other houses and how do they do to maintain that colour? All I get is an answer who tells me, ‘because you are worthless’. I don’t understand… where did all the love and compassion go? Where are the words that used to give me courage and the attention that used to boost my ‘me’ go? How is it that I feel like a hollow inside? Why is it that I tend to capitulate and just be like a walking dead? Is marriage a punishment, or why did I let it become a punishment? My life has always been about questions and trying to find a reason to it such that I can live with some peace in my heart.

Maybe when I look back, I realise that history had its say in this. I see a world where marriage is brought to both partners doing duties …precisely earning money to run the house and that’s it. Where is the empathy and sympathy within the relationship? Women have been struggling through years holding a career and a family and men have been jeopardizing this quite often. Balancing work and family life is a big lot. Finding a space to cater for your needs..well that is the challenge. Poor women…. how would the males go about caring about the house, the kids and pressure at work? I do believe that somewhere I am out of this world…meaning…I am dumb and cannot understand that men have the power even if they are emotionally weak, because that does not matter. I am certainly not holding the other gender responsible for everything because I do believe in sharing and equality. Somehow I do not understand why do I behave like I do and I question things which are taken for granted in this world and which people are happy about.

Ignorance is a bliss..is it really? Do all women ignore their problems and thus try to have a happy life or am I a fool to try to bring light into my situation and be at peace with myself? I sincerely do not know. I also come to understand that words have different depths of meaning for different people. For example, words like ‘love’ or ‘baby’ or sweetheart have become a casual address between a stranger woman and a stranger man. For those who carry much depth to them are tagged as ‘old fashioned’. Why should society stigmatize people when they do not conform to the trends? It is very sorry to see and feel like an ‘old fashioned’ human being when you sail the adult world. It is a feeling of disgust and leftover that you constantly fight against to just prove to yourself that you are not insane by being ‘old fashioned’. It is a constant battle with everything in every situation to simply find abode and feel a little bit of warmth from the inside.

Certainly, the world has evolved and me, in my ‘old fashioned’ brain, I have failed in evolving along swapping meaning from word to word when language itself is changing everyday. Now what do I do with that brain? I obviously cannot dump it and buy another one…well that could be a solution however… Once more, I have to travel at the deep end of my comfort zone and adapt myself to the situation still suppressing feelings and ignoring words or things I witness. Sometimes it is not even me, but others who model this world with their whims and fancies which eventually becomes a fashion. Who knows, maybe the word God would mean a swear in some years to come, and old fashioned people avoid be considered as crazy when seen praying or using the word God. Many times we do not pause to see what is happening until we are hit by the storm…but too many storms in the same place makes the area lifeless….

Even a drop of water would have no effect on the area, it rather amplifies the pain….

A hidden tear…is the one that many of us carry in our heart which we try hard not to lose ….

Vnands

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When my mind says….STOP

…it has been long time since I took a leap out of the daily routine and contemplated the simple things we meet everyday in life. Sometimes as an individual it is easy to hide behind the word routine and feel comfortable out there where you do not confront anything. I feel that it is a vicious circle. Every day doing the same activities becomes like food for living and we get used to that type of food. If we are probed to change the style of eating or even the compositions of the food we consume, we might go for it if we are in a good spirit (which is once in a blue moon) or simply say ‘pass’.

I happen to be looking for such type of comfort where I can lay back and find excuses of not ‘enjoying’ life. Not that I am allergic to the word ‘enjoy’ but because I am kind of afraid of it deep inside. It is easier said than done for me. I am a loner….well that is what is described in my horoscope. I do agree that many times, I like my own company, being with my thoughts which just flow out and I happen to enjoy being in chaos in my head… I know it is very scary and unconventional to say that I like chaos. This is how I can see it without being able to define what is happening. Somewhere I am liking the fact that there is nothing which is constant which I can hold on to, no material thing or even emotional thing.

Many times I feel that I know something and I do argue with others that I am confident about it. However, often, I happen to be unsure…I happen to be wrong and I happen to tell myself ..hey you are wrong. Whether I like telling this to me or hearing this from me is also a challenge for me. And I kind of immediately reason myself about another way to tackle the situation. Thinking that I am wrong is a blessing when I do find another way.

My mind….my son tells me that he misbehaves because he has 2 minds, one good and one bad. And he says that the bad mind tells him to do bad things… well as per his logic, I think that the bad mind does exist. Applied to me, I would certainly opine that the bad mind tells me to break the routine and live life fully, and my good mind tells me, wait….do you even know what is living life fully? What does that mean in reality and how can it be blended into your life?

The whole point of displaying these words is to simply use some sentence structures in my sentence about my life. Certainly not a ‘full stop’ but maybe a semi colon. I believe in thinking and yes thinking is pretty tiring. If we take some time to think about our actions and words at the end of the day, we would find it interesting to recap the happenings of each day. However, on a long term basis, we would be tired of reproducing the scenarios and try to analyze each scene. I will not lie that I do like to ponder upon things and when I can see a reason behind it, I feel better. Maybe that is cheating. I can at that moment ‘pacify’ myself maybe and calm myself down. Thinking is a process and a difficult one. I am not talking about fantasising about something or dreaming but thinking about any action or words that you might have taken or said and understand the reasons behind them. I think it clears one’s mind and it gives it a direction. For example, when I start increasing my voice because of something that is unimportant, I do try to ask myself why am I shouting and not making an effort to understand what is happening. Why am I feeling the urge to increase the volume of my voice and feel my nerves all pushing blood to my face, making it hot? What do I feel like telling whatever comes in my mind and hitting the wall without understanding that this is hurting me physically? Then I come up to see that there is something that is bothering me and I don’t know how to handle it, nor can I talk about it because I am unable to put it into words. Well, my way of dealing with it….I am still figuring it out.

‘STOP’ shouts my good mind….take a breathe and calm down. ‘FIGHT’ shouts my bad mind…which feeds the fire of my ego within….

Honestly….when the word ‘STOP’ is used more often…that is when maturity leads the way to light in life.

Vnands

…an identity

….who am I? This is a question that has been in my head for so long and is still lying under the routine jewellery that I wear. As a woman, all I know is that I have to hold on to an identity that has been created in the world since long, a fragile and weak human being, needing protection and help.

Where I stand in my shoes might seem just a couple of steps forward in general but they are gigantic steps which were taken due to circumstances arising in everyday living.

Trouble does not come on invitation and dealing with troubles is an act that cannot be learnt in school or in books because situations differ as well as people. We all react differently even if we are only categorized as males and females. We have been created with something called the freewill which makes us react differently and those reactions are based on our experiences and growth. What is a reality for some, can be fantasy for others and what seems practical for some, seems serious for others.

Today I happen to see myself just me in the mirror. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders which I cannot rid of even if I would like to. I represent nothing, just a plump girl, uninteresting, not fun, old fashioned and serious…..words of the society. I walk with certain principles that keep me going and I believe those define me. What if, I was just like the others? Would that really mattered? And to whom?

We talk about contentment…where is this? We talk about emotional security, what is it? We talk about a break, for what? We talk about sharing a very casual relationship with people across the world to feel wanted, what for? Are we so insecure that we need attention from strangers since they cannot see our true faces? Where is the feeling of contentment within oneself?

…who am I?

Vnands