… it has been long now that I have stood in the role I cherished so far. I realise that I might not be one destined for such a role.
Life is a journey …. from a little town to another country, today I have conquered the oceans. As a career woman I might be on my success route yet a sigh of dissatisfaction gets hold of my breath. As a human being, I feel that I have failed. I have always feared the future but thought best to accept to live with no regrets. Regrets of small things that crop up in the journey…yet today I feel like a regret to even be here or of being who I am.
Yes, somehow, I did not choose and things unfolded in front of me in such a way like a puzzle being winded into an art work, the product of my prayers and Hope I guess. Yet, I feel, that I am messing up or messed up everything in it.
Marriage is an entity in itself. I would say, a world in itself where I have lost myself to a ‘me’ whom I do not recognize. I have been taken to various decisions and deadlines which has modeled me into the woman I am today. I do keep peeping in my past, trying to collect bits and pieces of that embellished woman….however, I see myself falling into the same waters again and again. The problem is not the water, but the fall in itself.
I do ask myself why is the grass greener in other houses and how do they do to maintain that colour? All I get is an answer who tells me, ‘because you are worthless’. I don’t understand… where did all the love and compassion go? Where are the words that used to give me courage and the attention that used to boost my ‘me’ go? How is it that I feel like a hollow inside? Why is it that I tend to capitulate and just be like a walking dead? Is marriage a punishment, or why did I let it become a punishment? My life has always been about questions and trying to find a reason to it such that I can live with some peace in my heart.
Maybe when I look back, I realise that history had its say in this. I see a world where marriage is brought to both partners doing duties …precisely earning money to run the house and that’s it. Where is the empathy and sympathy within the relationship? Women have been struggling through years holding a career and a family and men have been jeopardizing this quite often. Balancing work and family life is a big lot. Finding a space to cater for your needs..well that is the challenge. Poor women…. how would the males go about caring about the house, the kids and pressure at work? I do believe that somewhere I am out of this world…meaning…I am dumb and cannot understand that men have the power even if they are emotionally weak, because that does not matter. I am certainly not holding the other gender responsible for everything because I do believe in sharing and equality. Somehow I do not understand why do I behave like I do and I question things which are taken for granted in this world and which people are happy about.
Ignorance is a bliss..is it really? Do all women ignore their problems and thus try to have a happy life or am I a fool to try to bring light into my situation and be at peace with myself? I sincerely do not know. I also come to understand that words have different depths of meaning for different people. For example, words like ‘love’ or ‘baby’ or sweetheart have become a casual address between a stranger woman and a stranger man. For those who carry much depth to them are tagged as ‘old fashioned’. Why should society stigmatize people when they do not conform to the trends? It is very sorry to see and feel like an ‘old fashioned’ human being when you sail the adult world. It is a feeling of disgust and leftover that you constantly fight against to just prove to yourself that you are not insane by being ‘old fashioned’. It is a constant battle with everything in every situation to simply find abode and feel a little bit of warmth from the inside.
Certainly, the world has evolved and me, in my ‘old fashioned’ brain, I have failed in evolving along swapping meaning from word to word when language itself is changing everyday. Now what do I do with that brain? I obviously cannot dump it and buy another one…well that could be a solution however… Once more, I have to travel at the deep end of my comfort zone and adapt myself to the situation still suppressing feelings and ignoring words or things I witness. Sometimes it is not even me, but others who model this world with their whims and fancies which eventually becomes a fashion. Who knows, maybe the word God would mean a swear in some years to come, and old fashioned people avoid be considered as crazy when seen praying or using the word God. Many times we do not pause to see what is happening until we are hit by the storm…but too many storms in the same place makes the area lifeless….
Even a drop of water would have no effect on the area, it rather amplifies the pain….
A hidden tear…is the one that many of us carry in our heart which we try hard not to lose ….